This post (alternate link) over at Old Truth (motto: where only half of our site’s name makes sense) contains some absolute gems into the mind of the watchdoggies and what they really object to about their targets. This particular post takes the form of a how-to make your own relevant blog. The derision is about as subtle as Ezekiel 23.20 (Now I’m a bit confused, does that make me prurient or Biblical?). Anyway, lets see what we can see inside the mind of a watchdoggie.
For example, check out the first point:
Talk about your wife in gushy glowing terms, like you can’t wait to get home to see her every single day.
So if you want to be all cool with the watchdoggies, make sure you don’t like your wife. Or at least, don’t let anyone suspect you actually like her. You might want to come up with code words for “I love you” so no one catches on (I’d suggest something like “Chicago is wonderful this time of year”), and be sure to forget all anniversaries and birthdays. On the off chance you might actually love your wife I’d suggest sending all cards and gifts via UPS, that way when the guys come over to trade collectible Spurgeon cards they’ll never suspect you would dream of being nice to your wife.
When seekers find out that they don’t have to give up their U2, Bon Jovi, and INXS – they will realize that Christianity is not such a big step after all.
This tells us that in order to be a watchdoggie, time travel is a must. Or, at least time travel at concert venues.
If you have no fear of God whatsoever, you can do what I’ve seen in the seeker blogs, and also refer to the Lord Jesus Christ as “a dude” as well.
Watchdoggies have a strong belief that Jesus was a chick, and anyone implying otherwise will not be tolerated.
Say things like this: “Bon Jovi was cool, but my boys in our worship team Rock!”.
Under no circumstances will watchdoggies allow competent musicians to lead worship in anyway. All watchdoggie musicians must be at least as incompetent as Bon Jovi, and if one does sneak through, their proficiency must never be acknowledged.
Those words are: Doctrine, Theology, Elders and Deacons, Bible Commentaries (oops some of these are two words), Hermeneutics, or any of those kinds of things that pastors have cared about for centuries.
Watchdoggies believe they are hundreds of years old and have trouble counting.
Tell your readers how disappointed you were when certain shows ended differently than you expected. Mention how you watch TV with your wife.
Watchdoggies are always contented with how their favorite shows end (even Seinfeld). Oh, and they never, ever admit to actually being with, or doing things with their wives.
If you bring up scripture on your blog, keep it short and sweet, perhaps give your “life verse” or maybe mention a verse that talks about “vision”, but be sure to quote from The Message. It will often give a completely different meaning than any of the other bible translations, but the important thing is that people will be able to understand what it’s saying.
Watchdoggies believe that no one should be able to understand what scripture is saying (BTW, I had trouble finding any actual scripture on that post).
Stay upbeat! I can’t stress this enough.
Watchdoggies are never, ever happy. I can’t stress this enough.
Talk about those guys a lot in your blog posts, and make it sound like you are best buddies with them by using that familiar “my man” prefix when you refer to them by name.
Watchdoggies have no friends. Or at least none that they’ll publicly admit to (see the entry on wives).
The way to handle these is to cover-up any biblical points that they made, by citing the number of baptisms you had last month.
Watchdoggies don’t baptize anyone. Ever. That’s obviously something the semi-pelagian, purpose driven, emergent cult of neo-liberalism does.
So there you have it. A quick look into the watchdoggie mind.