Did ya’ll hear about the cannibals who raided the Missionary Conference which hosted missionaries from every denomination, cooking up and eating them at a great feast? The very next day began the ecumenical movement.

Except, of course, for parts of the pentecostals. The cannibals kept throwing up their hands.

[Not intended to be Biblically accurate]

So…

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stalone, and Chuck Norris all die right about the same time. They are taken to The Judgment before God, or for you emerging folks “to interact with God”, and God says to them from His Throne…

“You men are pretty famous, but I am the LORD, THE Famous one. Why should I let you people in to my Kingdom? What do you each have to say for yourselves?”

Arnie steps up first and says in his loud Austrian accent…

“Yaauh, I was dee Running Manng, and I terminated deh evil machines, and yauh yauhhh yaaaauhhhh I killed dah Predaaahtuh. I made many peoples haahpy, and I wus da guvanah of deh state of Caleeeforneeeaah, I saved da kitties and da puppies from deh wild fiiaaars. Yauh yauh.”

God replied…”I loved those movies. They weren’t as great as say… my super special classic “The Burning Bush”, or my amazing action flick “Escape from Pharaoh”, but good enough. Come on in!”

Next, Sly Stalone steps up to give an account of his deeds on Earth. He puffs up his chest and bellows at the throne of God,

“Hey yo, Lord Gawd! Leme tell ya bout what I did, ya know? I was the Boxing Champ of da World, ya know? I beat down some tough guys. I even defeated communist Russia by beatin this guy they tried to put up against me, ya know? Also, I killed a lot of Communists in my movies where I was John Rambo, saved all the women and children, and ripped guys throats out with my bare hands, ya know? Also, I was Judge Dred, so I can probably help ya out with all this Judgin’ you gots ta do, ya know?

Booming His voice with the sound of many rushing waters, God replied, “Yes, I know. I know everything. Just stop saying “Ya know” and I’ll let you in. Oh my Me, you’re annoying……. Next!!”

Then, strutting confidently up to the Throne of God came Chuck Norris…

God says to him, “So Mr. Norris, what have you to say for yourself?”

To this Norris replied “First before we continue, I’m going to have to ask you to get off my Throne.”
—————–

LOL =)….just a joke guys…just a joke…

Joe

This will teach you to pay attention to
instructions….

First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were
receiving their
first Anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the
Surgery table with the body covered with a white
sheet.

The Professor Started the class by telling them,
‘In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body’. For an Example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the Butt of the dead cow,
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
‘Go ahead and do the same thing,’ he told his
students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the Butt opening of the dead cow and Sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at
them and said, ‘The Second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on
my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
Life’s Tough; it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.’

You can tell a Missouri Synod Lutheran by the fact that he won’t take communion with you in the sanctuary, but he’ll drink a beer with you in the basement.

Being the wife and daughter of engineers, this one is sentimental to me!

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello, George! What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

A horse walks into a bar… the bartender says “So, why the long face?”

THE CHICKEN BUSINESS
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters, whose job it was
to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t
rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
fooling them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully…the bells are not always audible!

A missionary was down in the jungles of the Amazon, attempting to reach the tribes of the area. While he was down there, he ran into a scientist who was experimenting with different plants to see if they had any medicinal value.

The missionary, recognizing the validity of the scientists work, introduced him to a tribal chief whose tribe was extremely healthy. The scientist observed that each member of the tribe was chewing some green plant. He asked the chief to point out the plant. It was a fern, that was native to the forest. He then asked the chief why.

We were not always this healthy, the chief explained. In fact, with our common diet of monkeys and monkey milk, we all too often found ourselves constipated. This constipation gave us no end of health troubles and misery. We had a discusting cycle of eating and having to use enemas to be able to relieve ourselves.

We discovered that by chewing on the leaves of these ferns, we were able to stay very regular. Since that time, we have been healthy and regular, with no need of these means to stay regular. I guess you could say with fronds like these, who needs enemas?