I cannot tell you how grumpy I am right now, other than to point out that it’s after 2 a.m. and I’m not in bed asleep.
I’m grumpy because I have allergies which show up every year at this time, stuffing up my head like a wet rag in a blender.
I’m grumpy because it’s been a rainy, icky day.
I’m grumpy because I spent 4 hours at a double-overtime game blown by my team yesterday.
I’m grumpy because I can never keep up with email.
I’m rather grumpy because apparently it’s not OK to be grumpy when you write and to express raw human emotion, otherwise you will offend someone else’s sensibilities.
I’m grumpy because I see family members struggling with studies of one type or another and I can’t just jump in and fix it for them. In fact, it would only screw things up if I tried.
I’m grumpy because it’s an election year and trying to not write about politics is a royal pain, and the thought of an idiot like Obambi screwing up the judiciary and putting his blame-America-first policies into place is depressing.
I’m grumpy that because I mentioned something political, Evan will now monopolize the comment thread with DailyKos moonbat gasbaggery, Rick will re-declare political agnosticism, and PB will come give all of the wrong reasons (or the wrong arguments about the right reasons) in agreement with my position.
I’m grumpy because some folks I know (including myself) just can’t seem to get along, instead baiting and acting like defensive, childish brats out of some warped sense of ‘honor’…
And I’m grumpy because It’s impossible for me to just pour out feelings on a page without feeling the gnawing need to bring it around to something positive or good, when that is not how I’m feeling.
Like this.
After all, I should really be thankful.
If the only health I’m struggling with is my weight and a yearly allergy, I should be thankful I can walk around and enjoy most things in life and that my health is much better than what a lot of people are experiencing.
Why should I complain about the rain when so many people had their homes washed away yesterday in Texas and Louisinana?
Instead of complaining about the game yesterday, I should be thankful I have been blessed with the income to allow me to purchase season tickets in the first place, and that I got to spend the day explaining the rules of football to my girls (who may not have cared all that much, except that they were with their dad having fun.)
I should be thankful I have email, though I should learn to pick up the phone or be physically present even if an email would be easier.
I should just be encouraging and supportive of people with burdens, walking alongside them – even if I cannot ease the burdens myself.
I should be thankful to live in a country which peacefully turns over its leadership every 4-8 years, and guarantees my right to religious freedom, and the other freedoms I have been blessed with.
I should be thankful for people who disagree with me on political issues, because they were made in God’s image just as much as I have been.
I should be thankful for people who agree with me, even if they do so in embarrassing ways, because they, too, are in God’s image.
I should be thankful for being able to converse with friends and acquaintances about matters of much (and little) import.
I should desire a role of peacekeeper then there is disagreement, rather than just wishing the disagreement would go away.
I should always desire to do good and to teach well in any situation.
But I don’t.
I’m pretty sure I’m whining right now, but for the life of me I don’t know how to stop. I seriously wonder if I should just delete this and let the facade of perfection slip – the same facade that probably fools nobody but myself.
But I won’t.
Why?
Because the most frustrating thing about this particular medium is that it is so sterile, and it allows us to put forth only the better parts of ourselves, if we so choose, making us appear either self-righteous or utterly boorish or so much more than what we are really like inside. Instead, it is probably better that we are able to see each other more authentically, for how else can we love, care about and life up each other if we never know what we struggle with?
Not only do I suffer from seasonal allergies, but I also deal with seasonal depression, as well. I suspect I’ve built up a pretty good front for folks that know me in real life, because I frequently hear comments about how positive and upbeat I am, and how I am an encouraging person – and that’s not what I feel I am like, even though I wish it was true.
You have my apologies for dragging you, my friends, with me through this mental muck.
I really have no defense other than to say that it’s 2:30 a.m., I’m unable to get to sleep, and…
I’m really grumpy right now…
UPDATE: And I’m a little more grumpy now that I realize I published this in the wrong blog…
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