I have a friend who doesn’t really believe there is such a thing as love. Oh, I don’t think that she thinks love doesn’t exist, just that in one way or another we are thoroughly incapable of the sort of love the Scripture talks about so often. We have debated this point often. I’m sure I always come away unsettled by the discussion–either because she’s right or because I don’t want to admit it. Either way, it’s become difficult to dismiss her judgment: Does love really exist?
One of the first sermons I ever preached (in first year homiletics) was about love. I childishly, naively, spoke of the glories of love and how love is like a diamond and many faceted. I remember extolling the virtue of love and speaking of its grandeur and magnificence. But it’s easy to write and speak about something being so grand when you have never experienced that part of it that is utterly disappointing. And love breaks the heart at times. There are times when love disappoints.
I am nearly 40 and I have loved and been loved. My mother still loves me; so does my wife. My sons do, for the most part. My dad does. My brothers too. I have many friends who love me. (I know I’m selfishly concerned about the love others have for me. It’s a two way street, I know.) I’m like Peter Gabriel who sang, “I love to be loved.” Yet, too, I love these I have mentioned deeply.
But still our hearts break and heal and break again–sometimes they stay broken. I almost let myself believe, in agreement with my friend, that love really doesn’t exist. Because of… hurt, hate, and helplessness. Here, then, is my thought, or question, for the day:
Why is it so easy to get angry at, or to resent, or simply to grow indifferent toward the very people we once loved? (John Eldredge, Waking the Dead, 113)
And if that isn’t enough, he continues:
A common story, I’m sorry to say. The worst blows typically come from family. That’s where we start our journey of the heart, and that’s where we are most vulnerable. (115)
So, if you want to go further with this, then click below to read the rest, but don’t be surprised if you don’t find what you are looking for. I have no answers here, only questions, and questions that cut deep into the heart of the matter.
So I will never understand it. I know some people. I called them friends. I baptized them. I loved them and ministered to them. I prayed with and for them. I shared my house, my family, my food, and my heart with them. I loved them deeply and they me. This is hard for me to write…but I’ve prayed about it enough…as the story goes, “I need God with some skin.” Then they…just rejected me. They quit loving me. And I don’t understand it. Of all that I have had to learn over the past six months, this is the one place I still stumble.
Will you forgive me for being honest about this hurt? Will you forgive me for using this blog space to open up this wound and bleed it out for a day or two? Will you sit in the garbage heap with me for a little while, weeping, and help me understand this hurt? Will you share a balm with me so that it will stop hurting so much? It’s been a year since I last spoke with these folks and they with me, since I last heard from them, since we last broke bread together in the Lord’s house. The easy thing to ask is if I have gone to them or to suggest that maybe they feel the same way. But it’s not like that.
I’m writing honestly here, bearing my heart for you to see inside. Will you help me understand why we, the body of Christ, brothers and sisters in the Lord, find it so easy to grow indifferent, resentful, and hateful towards people we should never have stopped loving in the first place? Is love just a switch we throw on when we feel it convenient? You know, this has shaken my faith more than my wife nearly dying just after we were married and again just before we were about to graduate bible college. I cannot understand it and I am writing to you so that you can help me find some sort of peace.
Can you help me understand it? You tell me: Does love exist? Can we love? Help me understand what such a thing means. This is no mere stream of thought. These are genuine questions and who better to help me find direction than those with whom I sit in the ashes every day, those with whom I crawl through mine-fields?
This is intensely personal, but I believe in honesty. I blog here to learn and grow and you are a part of that process. What thoughts has the Lord laid on your hearts concerning the love we have for one another in the church?
![Image of The Prodigal God (An Unabridged Production)[2-CD Set]; Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31Jl6fhDLxL._SL75_.jpg "The Prodigal God (An Unabridged Production)[2-CD Set]; Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith")
21 Comments(+Add)
Sometimes you have to open a wound to let the puss out, as gross as it sounds.
I believe ‘true love’ exists. I also believe that our flesh gets in the way. Sort of a protection, if you will–right or wrong.
Love isn’t necessarily a feeling as much as a choice.
You are an honest man, Jerry. We may lock horns occasionally but you are painfully honest and sometimes uncomfortably transparent.
I too have been rejected by family and friends. I do believe I have ever loved anyone completely with God’s unconditional love. But I have realized one important element of love:
The strength of love is in giving it, not receiving it. In fact, if we can derive contenment and satisfaction from the love we give without leaning upon that which we receive, we are servants of God. God loves us with an unspeakable love, and yet so often He receives tepid lip servive in return.
And yet He is God and finds His glory in giving His love without measure. Our giving of our love must be completely causal due to our receiving of God’s love. Expectations of satisfactory returned love will always have a level of disappointment.
Thanks, Jerry.
“I do not believe I have ever loved anyone completely with God’s unconditional love.”
I thought about it some more after I finally laid my head down last night trying to find some rest. I thought maybe I was too focused on the idea of ‘being loved.’ I grant you that ‘I love to be loved’ sounds a bit selfish. You are right: it’s not about what we receive but about what we give.
And it is probably terribly selfish of me to discount all those who have not rejected me in order to single in on the ones who have. That probably cheapens the love, right?
I want to argue with God and shake a fist at him and let him know this isn’t right (and I have more than once). I want to go to these people and just ask ‘why?’, but I don’t have the strength or the courage; it’s embarrassing. I want to forgive and let go, but I’m holding out hope that they will come to me and accept the repentance I have already offered. I’m desperate for reconciliation, but it appears it will not be forthcoming anytime soon.
There is a pain in my heart that will not subside no matter how busy I stay or how much I pray.
Jerry, for some reason I thought you were older than me.
I recently turned 40, but I guess there’s still that part of me that freshly remembers that 20 year old kid that drank way too much and did whatever he damn well pleased most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m playing dress up with a wife and 4 kids.
Something I learned as a proud pagan has maybe stuck with me in a good way. I really don’t care what anyone else thinks about me. If you love, pain is inevitable; but you can offer it all to God. I love Christmas and the “love” and joy that comes along with it’s celebration, but I’m drawn more to the celebration of “Good Friday” as the feast day of true love.
This little quote always comforts me in my feeble attempts at love:
thanks for the honesty…i think you and i have had some similar church leadership experiences…
so i feel for you…
and, yes, there IS love. it sometimes remains only as whisper heard in our questions…sometimes it rises in the resistance of our insistence that LOVE remains even when we can’t see it and it makes no sense to insist upon it’s existence…
Brett,
Thanks for the quote. If the post is transparent, your quote is hard-hitting. I’ve thought about that, that maybe I’m too concerned about myself, that maybe I need to just move on, but there was/is/has been no reconciliation, forgiveness, or otherwise. Maybe I’m making excuses; maybe not. There’s a part of me that hates this.
Maybe letting go and forgetting what I have lost and making certain I never do the same to anyone else is key here. Thanks. What is the book you quoted from?
jerry
Hey, join the club I wasn’t singleing you out. Other words of wisdom I learned from my old high school football coach:
It was his constant admonition to me not to shoot the gap when the tackle pulled; but it serves me well in the spiritual life.
“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it” – Mt 16:25
Not sure which collection of Josemaria Escriva writings that quote is from. I have it taped on a little note card on my wall.
Recently “sainted” Josemaria Escriva was the founder of the infamous “Opus Dei”.
Not to change the subject, but I finally saw The Davinci Code movie on TV last weekend, and was pleasantly surprised. As far as thrillers go it was the best I’ve seen in a whille. Of course I’ve never seen a bad movie that Tom Hanks was in.
It was the most bizarre opposite depiction of what Opus Dei really is; but why let the truth get in the way of a good story, eh!
Sometimes it’s OK to just sit in pain and suffering. Do what God puts in front of you today and just sit in the pain. Don’t expect it to go away
#10 Sometimes it’s OK to just sit in pain and suffering.
I agree Joe, and sometimes thats all I’m capable of. But we do have another option. Pain and suffering are unavoidable, but as Christians we can “offer it up”.
PRIESTs, prophets, and kings, right thats the mission. What do priests do? They offer sacrifice.
He doesn’t require our sacrifices, but he can unite them to the one sacrifice, full of power and might.
Jerry,
A couple of comments:
Yes, be assured that there is such a thing as love. However, remember that love is really more an act of the will than it is a raw emotion. The world around us really only defines love in emotional and sexual terms. Of course, Jesus demonstrated perfect love in submitting to the Father and dieing for our sins. Also, the whole of Jesus’ life demonstrated perfect servant-love. And Jesus’ love for the Father and sinners must be more than an emotion; he had to actively and willfully submit to a life of degradation and suffering and death on a cross. Likewise for us, love is an act of the will, and it does not (or at least should not) change based on circumstances. I suspect you still love the people who you feel wronged you. Remember, then, that you can continue to love them even when you do not receive love back.
You brought up the word reconciliation. I encourage you to continue to make efforts towards reconciliation with a spirit of love and humility. God commanded us to “be reconciled one to another”, and it appears as though you realize the importance of reconciliation regardless of the past circumstances. Of course, ultimately you can only control one half of reconciliation, and you can rest with a clean conscience if you have done everything in your power to reconcile.
Finally, remember that while we are called to demonstrate the same sacrificial love that Jesus demonstrated, we will always fail to some degree, as we are all corrupted by sin. Is there love – yes. Is there perfect love amongst man – no. I will pray for you, brother.
after our last church hellish ending, i had to cut some people off because they were unwilling to come together to give and receive forgiveness/reconciliation.
i went my way, got therapy, and moved on.
now almost 4 years later, i’m ready to reach out–but only for a brief moment–to state unequivocally that i have forgiven people and to apologize for the ways i reacted wrongly to their sin against me.
i share this to say…give it time…and be open to your own healing…if part of that is to offer/extend forgiveness do so, but if people can’t be trusted and you’re still tender/raw…then leave it alone, grieve and get a sense of what God has for you next.
I believe God has good things for you Jerry!
Nathan,
I appreciate that very much. As you can tell, I am no way near ready to reach out yet. I still have to see many of them because we are still in the same community (and my wife sees them at the bank where she works). It is very hard to see these folks going on with their lives as if the sky is still blue and nary a cloud is filled with rain.
I guess you are right. We’ll see.
jerry
Jerry,
I don’t know if this passage applies to your situation. Note that Jesus didn’t say that you had ought against your brother, he stated that your brother had ought against you. Maybe you’ve done nothing to wrong him/her. It’s still the child of God’s duty to square it out.
Matthew 5
23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
When we left our campus ministry position at the church we were at previously, it was under not the best of circumstances. I think it’s still probably a much different situation leaving a church as someone just on staff than it is a senior pastor leaving, though. For one thing, we didn’t really have all that much interaction with a big part of the congregation. We still occasionally meet people from the congregation in town who say to us, “we haven’t seen you in church recently, are you OK?” who seem to not realize we left. So I guess we were either really good at being invisible or there are a lot of clueless people.
Anyway, as far as reconciliation and forgiveness goes, I’d say it has taken awhile for us to say that we are OK with things, and even then, I don’t think I will be inviting the senior pastor we worked with out for dinner anytime soon. For one thing, we haven’t gotten any type of apology, and though I do believe we can forgive him and not hold things against him, I don’t think we are called to continually open ourselves for more pain from an unrepentant offender. Trust and forgiveness are two different things, and when there’s a betrayal of trust, I think there does have to be some real change on the part of the one who betrayed that trust before you can trust him again. Otherwise, you’re just asking to be hurt again.
Phil,
Do you think we should expect an apology?
jerry
The last church I was at, essentially lied to me in the interview process. (I’m sure they would view it differently). They talked bad about me and my family and did all sort of hurtful things. They blamed me all sorts of things that I had no control over, wrote hurtful blog and myspace messages and were generally mean people.
The church before that the guy who was in charge of helping us fund our church plant pulled funds to give to a friend of his.
I have a really long list of crappy things that church people have done to me. Heck, right now, there is a writer here that I think has wronged me. I imagine he thinks I wronged him. I share that so you know that I have some understanding of where you are coming from.
I don’t think we can expect apologies. They most likely believe that they were right.
I have found that I have to forgive them and leave them in God’s hands. The problem is we want to feel better on our time frame and schedule. Life is hard, it is messy and ugly. Sometimes, it sucks. People hurt us, we hurt people.
You just have to keep going and trust that God will heal you. You are the only person in this story that you can control.
I guess because of the fact that we’re talking about dealing with other Christians, on one level it seems like we should expect it. It’s not that I expect it, in the sense that I’m owed, but I expect it because apologizing to those we offend should be the thing we do. Unfortunately, I’ve found that when it comes to church politics, people apologizing to pastors they have wronged or vice versa is very rare.
I guess that’s why when it comes to forgiveness, we have to be proactive, even if we don’t receive an apology. I actually was just talking about this about Bible study the other week. When Jesus tells Peter he must forgive someone who wrongs him “seventy times seven” times, He is actually using the exact phrase that Lamech uses in Genesis 4:24:
Jesus is making a point by referencing this phrase. Lamech uses of “seventy times seven” means he will exact perfect revenge if someone wrongs him, and he we aggressively pursue it. Jesus is saying just as Lamech vowed to hunt down an exact revenge on those who wronged him, we should hunt down and aggressively forgive those who have wronged us. It’s not just passive forgiveness that we need to be involved in.
I still think even if we do go out of our way to forgive those who’ve wronged us, though, there are people who simply will not apologize. At that point, if our conscience is clear, I believe it may be best to let them be, and not let them hurt us any longer.
Of course, all of this is a lot easier said than done.
Unforgiveness is a terrible thing.
Joe, I want to…I really do. Or maybe I don’t.
jerry
Joe, I want to…I really do. Or maybe I don’t.
That’s why it is an every minute type of thing.
“Sometimes, you have to adjust your sails, tie down your lines and just face the wind.”
~White Squall