I have an iPad. It’s a great tool for a counselor. There are so many ways it has helped me in my practice. An added bonus is that my kids have a “computer” to play with that is pretty easy for me to monitor. The drawback of this arrangement is that they have figured out how to take pictures and make movies on it.

I mean literally thousands of pictures and videos.  One daughter took 189 pictures of just her right hand. It’s kind of fun to scroll through them.  Many of the pictures are too distorted to actually be of any value. Of course, if you and I are facebook friends, you’ve had the opportunity to see some of the videos.

Today, as I was preparing for my daily sessions I hooked the iPad upto my computer and began to look at the new pictures. Some made me laugh. Some I couldn’t quite figure out.

One made me stop dead in my tracks and swallow really hard. There was a picture of my daughter and my friend’s daughter. My baby didn’t look like a baby anymore. She looked entirely too grown up.

Lately, I’ve been more aware of this truth. My girls are growing up.  The day is probably coming when they won’t want to spend as much time with me as they do now. I want them to stay this small longer. I want them to need me longer.

Of course, I really don’t. That’s not actually the answer. That’s a recipe for emotionally stunted adults who don’t know how to function.

What I want is to soak up every minute I have with them. To gaze on each smile, and catch the glint in each eye. What I need to do is be present every moment that I am with them.

My time with them is limited. Today I will see very little of them. There isn’t much that I can do about that. Tomorrow, I will have the opportunity to make them a part of my entire day. They can help me weed the garden, mow the grass (mostly just riding in the wagon behind me) and I can play with them. Or I can choose to do other things that need to be done. I can be distracted by the pressures of life.

Here’s hoping I choose to be present with my girls. In fifteen years, I doubt I will remember the chore that I didn’t get done today. I doubt that I will remember the stress of today.

I am quite certain I will miss my girls. Tomorrow I will have the memories that we create today.

So, in a discussion the other day (on differing views of Creation), I was pressed for my view of Creation.  While I don’t think it’s anything long-time readers aren’t familiar with, I got the feeling that it was controversial.

What do you think?

Chris’ Credo

One) I am vehemently agnostic* as it pertains to Creation.

Two) As such, I believe that the only item of primary importance in the Creation story is in Gen 1:1 – “God created”.

Three) I believe that Young Earth Creationism (YEC), Old Earth Creationism (OEC), Intelligent Design (ID), Theistic Evolutionism (TE) and multiple permutations thereof are all possible views of Creation – and that no matter which you choose, it is of secondary importance.**

Four) I believe that elevating ones view of Creation – apart from Gen 1:1 – to primary importance is legalism. At opposite ends of the scale, YEC’s do this when they claim that other parts of the Bible (or all of Scripture) are untrustworthy if their view is not correct, and TE’s do this when they claim YEC/OEC/etc’s are backward, unserious, stupid, anti-science, etc.

Five) I believe that basing systematic theologies on the Creation account is arrogant and counterproductive, and is really a subset of #4.

Six) I believe that holding someone’s view of theistic Creation as a test of faith (or seriousness of faith) is arrogant and counterproductive.

Seven) If someone at the “conservative” end of the scale starts building truth claims based on their view of creation, I will argue that the opposite end of the scale is just as reasonable as theirs. If someone at the “liberal” end of the scale starts degrading the opposite end of the scale as anti-science and unserious, I will argue that science and religion are not mutually exclusive and that we cannot prove w/ science how the world was (or was not) created. (i.e. I use a religious argument to counter a religious argument and a scientific argument to counter a scientific argument.)

I could be wrong, but I think my position is probably the safest one, particularly since it does not seem to be made an item of first importance to the early Christian church.

* – somebody denying something is knowable: somebody who doubts that a question has one correct answer or that something can be completely understood

** – if forced to choose at gunpoint, I would say that the earth (as a planet) and the universe is probably billions of years old, but mankind is only 6K-10K years old, that Adam was the first man “made in the image of God” (whatever that actually means, though, is up for debate), and that I have no clue as to whether God completed the “days” of Creation in literal 24-hour days or figurative ones. And even so, I am very possibly wrong on all counts.

The following post is one that I wrote for my own blog today.  This is something that I see quite a lot in sessions and I would normally not post like this to my own blog but it’s been relatively quiet around these parts for the last few days and I feel the information is helpful. Enjoy or ignore. Either way, have a great day.

One of the common issues that I deal with in couples counseling is related to the aftermath of mistakes.

A spouse cheats

A spouse uses painful words like a scalpel to cut as deeply as possible.

An angry outbursts scares the bejezus out of a spouse

A secret offense is brought to light.

The list is quite long, and I am sure you could probably add two or two hundred things that you have experienced or heard of happening.

Invariably, the question posed to me is, “Why can’t she get over it?” or “Why can’t he just move on? I said, I was sorry. I feel bad about it.”

Often this comes across as defensive to the offended spouse and even to me as a counselor. The following are some steps that I believe are helpful in repairing broken relationships.

1. Leave all the but’s in the barn.

You’ve heard this one before, “I am sorry, I feel bad that I did that, but….” Invariably, an accusation or degradation for the spouse follows that but. Here’s the problem, when you say I’m sorry but___________, it sounds like you aren’t really all that sorry. It sounds like you’re wanting to make sure that your spouse gets some of the blame too.  It sounds like your saying the adult equivalent of the four year old, “She did it too” defense. It’s silly. It’s shallow. And it is not helpful. If you messed up, own that. Don’t try to deflect blame. Don’t try to pass it off to your spouse. Just admit that what you did was wrong. No one made you do it. We control our own actions. What is interesting to me is that when someone commits to this idea of actually owning their own mistakes, their spouse will often start admitting their own errors.

2. Double down on your patience level

If you have done something that has damaged trust in the relationship there is absolutely nothing you can do that will “fix it.” You may have to answer a lot of questions. You may have to answer the same questions more than once. You may have to answer questions that don’t seem relevant to you but matter immensely to your spouse.

3. Check your ego at the door.

Click here to continue reading this post at my own blog.

“Frightened people were great believers in guilt by association.”
- Under the Dome, p. 510

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“There’s a common misconception that the choice between Christ and false gods is the choice between desiring to go to hell and desiring to go to heaven. I’ve heard preachers say the narrow way is the way of Christianity that people choose when they want to go to heaven, and the broad way is the way people choose who are content to go to hell. But they are misinformed or confused. It is not a contrast between godliness and Christianity on the one hand and irreligious, lewd, lascivious pagan masses headed merrily for hell on the other. It is a contrast between two kinds of religions, both roads marked ‘This way to Heaven.’ Satan doesn’t put up a sign that says, ‘Hell–Exit Here.’ That’s not his style. People on the broad road think that road goes to heaven.”–John MacArthur, Hard to Believe, 78

Tags: Hard to Believe, heaven, hell, John MacArthur, quote, Theology

“There is neither encouragement or effective exhortation in telling those who are suffering that others have suffered more, in telling those grieving that others have lost more, in telling the hungry that others have actually starved. Such spoutings produce feelings of guilt, shame, and anger—all of which are not only counterproductive but also destructive of the faith that was already only barely clinging to the altar.”—Fred Craddock, in The New Interpreter’s Bible Commentary, ‘Hebrews,’ p 83

I had to apologize to my eldest son this morning after reading this. Sometimes being a parent is especially difficult and even though he is graduating on Saturday, I realize I am still learning and he is still teaching. Learning how to speak to our children properly and being repentant when we speak to them improperly is a humbling lesson to learn. I confess I have had to learn the lesson more than once.

What I think happens is that there are times when my son will come to me for conversation, for dialogue concerning his life. Lately, it has been mostly about his car. It breaks; a lot. And it frustrates him. It collapses entire days for him. So when he starts in about how terrible his life is because his car is broken, again, my usual response has been something like, “Jerry, it’s a car. It’s not the worst thing in the world. You want to go and see people your age who are having a difficult time?” Ugh. Worst. Response. Ever.

Worst parent ever.

So I have to learn: his suffering does matter. Is the end of the world? To me, no; to him, yes! To a teenager, the car is everything. It is their lifeline to freedom and responsibility. So I err when I am dismissive of something that, to me, seems so miniscule or minor and to him seems so major and life altering. What I have suffered is irrelevant as a means of comparison. Comparison is unnecessary in such situations because that is not what people want or need to hear. Comparison is meaningless because it ends up being like a game of one-upmanship.

People need grace. If they are weeping, weep alongside them. If they are laughing, laugh it up fuzz-ball. If they are angry, join them in anger. If they are dejected, come alongside them and sit in the ashes. I’ve always been impressed with the first seven days and nights of Job’s suffering when his friends sat with him on the ground and said nothing to him for seven days and seven nights. When someone suffers, yes there are probably others who are and have suffered more. Undoubtedly this is true. But that is irrelevant because it minimizes the suffering of the individual directly in front of me. It is dismissive and likely damages them even more. Not to mention that it also sort of cheapens the suffering of others too–those who have become mere props in our game of who has suffered more.

My role is to help them strengthen their grip, not weaken them even more.

Frankly, I don’t even think it is very nice or appropriate when preachers say things like, “You are suffering, but you have not suffered as much as Jesus.” Well, maybe; maybe not. But is that the point? Jesus didn’t say, “Father I am suffering, but I have not suffered as much as David or Job so it’s OK.” No, Jesus said, “Father, I am suffering; take this cup from me.” Even Jesus didn’t minimize his suffering by comparing it with that of others. Jesus suffered.

This is about learning to see the person directly in front of me and loving them regardless of whatever else in the world is going on today. My son’s suffering is as valid as any other person’s suffering precisely because it is he who is suffering. His suffering is not minimized because others have suffered more; his suffering is not maximized because others have suffered less. His suffering is his. And that is where we start.

Lord, forgive me for being dismissive of people who have suffered—especially my son. Teach me Lord to patiently listen to those who speak, to sit silently for as long as it takes, and when I finally speak, if asked to, to speak softly the words of your grace and mercy.

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”—Colossians 4:6

I’ll leave it up to you, the reader, to determine how grace fills our conversations.

Tags: children, Colossians 4:6, Craddock, grace, parenting, suffering

Branches that are pruned
Will never fully grow back
But fruit will flourish

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