Posts Tagged 'satire'

Peter,

If you happen to read this could you drop by and defend yourself. I’m not really familiar with your work but some here are and they incessantly contend that you are a heretic. I think it stems from your relationship with Phyllis but I’m not certain why they think she is a heretic either. I’ve heard her speak many times and while she doesn’t say the words I’m used to I believe she is a follower of Christ. Ultimately though; I can’t really be sure about either one of your commitments to Christ. I wish I could be though. Meaning I wish I was God.

On another note; are you related to Henry? I really like his music. However his acting is kinda creepy. I don’t know why? I think it’s because of his voice or maybe his face. Not that he’s ugly; just mean looking. He kinda scares me. Oh well. If you are related could you have him drop by also. I want to ask him what he meant by the this quote:

“If I was gay, there would be no closet. You would never see the closet I came out of. Why? Because I’d have burned it for kindling by the time I was twelve … If I was gay, at this stage of the game — age 37, aging alternative icon — I’d be taking out ads.”

In my eyes he’s obviously gay and this quote appears that he’s not but I found a blog that contends that even though he said he isn’t; he actually is. You see I have this habit of not believing actual words that people say. Unless of course those actual words are from people that I agree with telling me what the people I don’t agree with, are actually saying. I know kinda confusing but I think you could help with that.

A few more things I need you to clear up. On your blog you state:

Without equivocation or hesitation I fully and completely admit that I deny the resurrection of Christ.

What the…? Really? Are you serious? HERET…oh wait. I stopped reading at that line. Sorry about that you also say

This is something that anyone who knows me could tell you, and I am not afraid to say it publicly, no matter what some people may think…

I deny the resurrection of Christ every time I do not serve at the feet of the oppressed, each day that I turn my back on the poor; I deny the resurrection of Christ when I close my ears to the cries of the downtrodden and lend my support to an unjust and corrupt system.

However there are moments when I affirm that resurrection, few and far between as they are. I affirm it when I stand up for those who are forced to live on their knees, when I speak for those who have had their tongues torn out, when I cry for those who have no more tears left to shed.

So what you are saying is that my life, how I live it, can either confirm or deny my belief in Christ. Sounds a little like this:

34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, [1] you did it to me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44 Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ 45 Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Oh that Jesus! So darn serious about helping the poor. If I didn’t know better I would say that he was a heretic.

Okay a few more things and then I’ve got to get back to my phylactery waxing.

You point out on your blog that you:

I also lecture in areas of moral theory, philosophical theology, mysticism and Existentialism. However my passion is to render the academic discourse accessible, interesting and useful to faith collectives.

Oh brother…I’m really concerned now.

moral “THEORY”? It’s not a theory Petey. It’s an absolute. Unless of course you are suggesting that people have certain theories about morality then of course you can lecture on that.

“mysticism”? You do know that’s code for heretic right? In these parts we’ve argued about that word forever. You may want to strike that from your blog. It just not worth the trouble of trying to explain it.

“Existentialism”? Again with the “human condition” stuff. Really is it important to understand how God interacts with us and how we should respond? Isn’t it enough to know that “He is God”? Just leave it at that. If people don’t get it, tough nuggies. Seriously!

My biggest concern about you though is that last sentence. “Academic discourse accessible”? Two words, in Latin, so you know it’s really important, SOLA SCRIPTURA buddy! I don’t need no stinking, two bit, liberal spouting, college per fessor, telling me nothin bout my Jesus. Unless of course he agrees with me. Otherwise I ain’t havin none of it. That’s all I need is somebody messing up my perfect, preconceived, theological box. I almost got excommunicated for quoting from “The Shack”. So no more of that “thinking” stuff for me. It’s just not safe to think. What if I come up with the wrong thoughts? What if the Holy Spirit took the day off and that was the exact day I chose to read “A brief history of everything”? The ramifications to my salvation could be catastrophic. No thank you.

Well thanks for your time.

Sincerely,
Chris

P.S. You don’t need to talk to Henry for me I just Wiki’d him and his last name is actually Garfield. Sorry bout that.

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Friends,

One of the things that has always impressed me about CRN.info, is the willingness to allow any and all comments to appear in threads. When I first discovered this blog, it was like a breath of fresh air that the writers here do nothing to stifle conversation, nothing to prevent disagreement, nothing to censor those with whom they have differences. I have always appreciated that because more often than not what I have found is an opportunity for grace to flow freely and to be administered abundantly. Coming here and finding this kind of free flow of ideas and thoughts and grace was like walking into a flowered field after traipsing through a cow pasture.

The recent conversations here have been even more occasions for grace to abound. I have enjoyed many of the thoughts people shared with me concerning our family’s recent graduation. I was also very impressed with many commentors who took time here to wish Jim B prayers and thoughts as he goes through a very difficult season in his own life. I was also very encouraged when Chris L posted a lengthy essay concerning Roman processions and Mark’s Gospel. The comment thread was filled with effusive praise for Chris’ hard work and research. It was also very nice to pray for Mr & Mrs Schlueter while they were on vacation recently. I can honestly say, though, I really appreciate the conversations that take place in these threads even when we do not happen to agree with one another.

By way of contrast, however, many blogs that are critical of blogs such as CRN.info do not have comment sections. They prefer, instead, to write up their opinions and not interact with anyone who may have a differing opinion. I think this is sad because in a way it is like saying, “I have the only opinion that matters and I am unwilling to even consider that someone else may have feelings or thoughts invested in this.” (This is exactly why I accepted the invitation to blog here: Nowhere else on the internet does grace flow so freely. I am treated better by some atheist’s whose blogs I visit than I am by some of the drive by ODM’s who visit here.) So I got to thinking, after spending some time reading the posts of some other bloggers where comments do not appear, what the conversation might look like if comments were allowed to appear. I have paraphrased what such a conversation might look like and what sort of devilry it might contain.

Sven

Wow. That was amazing. I have never read such a compelling damnation of Wick Rarren’s apostate heretical teaching in all my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have blogged about it and I am feeling rather persecuted because I wrote about it. I request that my bio be posted on page 483 of Boxes Mook of Fartyrs because I suffer for my blog. (PS–if you’d like to help me, please make a contribution to my tax deductible tip jar.) My ministry is so important, but I will rise up and overcome. So many benefit from my work.

Jansenboy

Wow. That was amazing. Imagine how nice life would be in the church if everyone just thought like we did! Imagine how wonderful the church would be if we were the only Christians! Oh wait! We are the only Christians!!!!! On the other hand, since we are the only Christians….well, nevermind. I am the best witness on the planet! Yea! Watch me witness! Yea! What me condemn others who disagree with me!

Inga

When I was 18, I went on a field trip to a local zoo. There I was terrified to learn that there is actually more than one species of bird. All my life I had grown up my family farm thinking the only bird that existed was the chicken. I know one thing, those other birds are not birds at all. They are imposters, fakes, frauds, phonies. They only have faux feathers. They are not birds at all!

Wiggy

Don’t you all think you are being a little hard on these other folks? Isn’t there any room for grace in your church? Didn’t Jesus die for us all? I mean, I have never read anywhere that Wick Rarren denied that Jesus was Lord or that communion didn’t matter or that the Bible was errant.

Jansenboy

Jesus only died for the elect and all the rest are going to eternal hell in an eternal hand basket. I witness better than anyone. Wanna fight? Doesn’t matter. The other day, I watched a church get wrecked because they had a motorcycle in the building. I’m sure that it is absolute heresy to have motor-bikes in the Sanctuary. Lalvin said so. So did Sputher. So did Curgeon. So did Peter. Paul. Inga said so. Sven wrote it! And Waul Pasher preached on it when he was witnessing to Gypsies. If Waul Pasher said it and cried while he preached it, then that’s enough for me!

Yrrej

Well. I am sorry you feel this way. I thought there was room in God’s grace for many people–those people God is fond of. I thought Jesus died for us all. I thought he died for the sins of the whole world. (1 John 2) Your friend, yrrej.

Sven

We are not friends and don’t you ever insinuate that we are again. In fact, your presence at this blog’s comment section is absolute proof that God’s grace is narrow.  

Rick

What are friends anyway? :) I have written several posts about this myself. Send me an email and I will send you the full catalog of links.

Alittlelevity

Wick Rarren is the worst kind of theologian there is and his defenders are even worse. The only thing that matters in this life is getting rid of Wick Rarren because no gospel is better than what he is preaching and teaching.

Brede P

Jansenboy is right. You free-wheeling, purpose-driven, Maclaren loving, rubbing-elbows with the Dala Lama, Rob Bell Hitlerians are worse than Hitler and Rob Bell combined. You don’t read your own stuff. You are what you hate. You are what you eat. You are becoming the very people you are the inverse of. You lovers of all people don’t understand the grace of God at all. God’s grace doesn’t mean everyone who has faith is saved–it means only those who have signed our manifesto are saved. And I can assure you that anyone who follows Erwin McManus is not saved!

Fritjov

God made the world in six days.

Sven

Inga, didn’t you write a post about that on your other blog, and do a program about it on your radio call-in program, and didn’t you condemn The Shank and all who read it as universalists who follow a man-made Jesus, and post a podcast at one of your blogs, and a youtube video at your youtube channel, and write about it in your monthly newsletter, and at your other blog, and your billboards, and on the side of your airplane? We need to make people aware of this. Let’s all write posts about it on the same day and post them at our own blogs. I am feeling rather persecuted right now. My esteem is low.

Editor

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Inga

When I was 19, I went on a vacation with my family. We flew to the mountains and there we met the hated Yeti who was nothing at all like the Yeti’s we met on the other private jet we rented one day to go to a convention in Siberia. It was every one else’s fault that Jesus had to die. But that doesn’t change the fact that the Yeti is not going to heaven. We know this to be true because he read, yes, Yeti’s can read, the Porpoise Driven Couch and The Shank. Don’t you remember reading it in the Bible where it says that Yeti’s who read PDC and The Shank can’t get into heaven? I called my lawyer and he confirmed that the Yeti had no business whatsoever attempting to ge into heaven. But I forbid anyone else from talking to their lawyers about the Yeti.

Elof

What about that other guy who does nothing but defend the Porpoise Driven Couch?

Inga

I won’t even post that. You are banned forever Elof! I’m putting in a special call to Peter at the pearly gates to make sure you are prevented from ever setting foot on a cloud or touching a harp. Wiggy is banned too! I will not have any of you mentioning grace at my blog! You are only allowed to send me stories and comments about the failures of the Porpoise Driven Couch and the Shank.

Burr

I agree with myself.

Erlend

I agree with Sven.

Hulda

I agree with Inga.

Inga

I agree too.

Sven

I agree.

Jensenboy

I agree.

Editor

You had better agree with me!

Well, this is how I imagine such a conversation might go. It’s not a pretty sight to see. What I have learned, however, is that those who belong to the so-called ODM (I have a new definition: ADM and it’s not the supermarket to the world) are safe with Jesus. For the rest of us, Jesus is not enough. I recall reading something one day from a friend. I’ll paraphrase it: I’d rather be anything than an legalist. If you are a Christian, and you enjoy being saved by grace, go ahead and comment here. You are welcome. If you hate grace and think you are the only one saved, well you can comment here too because unfortunately for you those who agree with you do not permit comments only private emails. Still, we will welcome you with open arms and invite you to be a part of our family of commentors.

***This is satire. Any resemblance the above imagined conversation bears to real or computer generated people is sheer coincidence. Again, this is pure satire and the product of my imagination.***

HT: Slice

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While eating my Cheerios this morning and watching Good Morning America I caught an interview with Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains fame and subsequently Way of the Master (WoTM). Kirk was talking about his new book “Still Growing” (an excerpt can be found here)

With this opportunity to share the Gospel with millions of people worldwide; Kurt chose to spend a majority of his time talking about his exploits as a teen heart-throb. When asked what changed his life he didn’t shout “JESUS” or recite John 3:16. He also left out the verse that says Jesus is the way, truth and the life. Nor did he take the interviewer down the Romans road. He simply said “I realized that there has to be more to life than this…I started asking questions…I let the Gospel influence my daily decisions”.

His publicist also just announced that Kirk was invited to the “Seeds of Compassion ‘09″ event.

***satire

*Update*

The video

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